In it, there were these magical love springs. If you drank from one you fell madly in lust with the next creature you saw. Creature. That’s how centaurs were made. And Minotaurs. And some really strange walking around for the next couple days.
Did I mention I was like 11 when I read these books? Seriously parents, you think fantasy is safe for your kids.
Anyway. Nothing about this has anything to do with anything, except that I thought I should take a break from your regularly scheduled introductions because. well, yesterday was Valentines day.
And Valentines day means I should obviously talk about some fantasy series I read as a prepubescent that introduced me to sex in strange ways. I mean, when I watched Fantasia as a kid, I knew that humans + horses= centaurs, but I guess I didn’t really think about that plus you know?
Any way. I’ve done Valentines a lot of different ways. I’ve had 24 of them, and that encompasses any number of pink heart candies.
I’ve done Valentines day as a little girl, trading chocolates with everyone.
I’ve done it as an awkward (understatement) middle school-er, offering homemade valentines to the one boy in class, only to have him shrug and pop the candy into his mouth. This boy was indifferent. If it were possible for one kid to embody the word indifferent, he would have. Only that would have taken too much effort so he probably would just let someone else do it. (I was crushed).
I’ve done the angry single thing, raising my fist to the air. Shouting against Singles Awareness day with a chocolate smeared mouth. I’ve done the not angry single thing. Which had less shouting but the same chocolate smears.
I’ve done the boyfriend thing too. It’s nice. I’m not going to lie to you and say that it isn’t. (Ok, sometimes there is so much pressure to preform amazing feats of romance that it turns out sorta lame, or openly hostile). But usually, it’s nice.
The most success I’ve had has been this year. We didn’t do anything, and it was awesome. We ate food. We played games. We drank wine. All of these things can be found on any give day in the me/the man relationship. It was a monday. A good one!
Except for one thing.
Candy Hearts. They are chalky, largely flavorless hearts with awkward phrases on them. Most of the time, they are sub par candies. Except for on Feb 14th. On this day, they magically transform into the perfect balance of sweetness and texture. The phrases become suddenly charming, not awkward at all! Then, at the stroke of midnight, they change back, like little edible Cinderella’s.
I didn’t have any this year. I missed the magical window.